Today I vainly attempted to join in conversation in the lunch room. Should have known better. I caught the end of a conversation and go the wrong end of the stick so my comment was just embarrassing. I sat there blushing and went back to reading my book. I felt like shouting out ‘This is why I don’t talk!!’. I feel like they all talk about me when I leave the room because I go in, sit, eat, read, and leave again, often without saying a word. They probably think I’m rude, stand-offish, unpleasant. I just can’t do the conversation. I can’t walk into a busy room and say ‘hello’. I can’t walk out of a busy room and say ‘bye’. They all think that’s ridiculous I’m sure. They all chat away. I just can’t do those things. It all rushes through my head – if I say hi and no one acknowledges me I’ll feel bad, if I say hi and everyone looks at me I’ll feel bad, there is pressure and I don’t say anything. All I want is to sit quietly and read my book while eating my lunch. There is no where to do that unless I stay at my desk in the delightful open plan office. There is no space anywhere to be alone and quiet. I hate it. And nobody understands. I’m not a horrible person. I don’t mean to be rude. I’m just different.
I don’t fit here, I don’t fit anywhere. Always the outsider.Feeling stupid. Never sure whether I even want to fit. I just want to be alone or with my family. Everyone else is too much.
Plus I’m in a fair bit of pain at the moment, and not sleeping well as usual. 😦