Feeling better today mentally. Had a nice relaxing evening watching TV and buying cardigans online. Sounds weird but I managed to chill and thaw out. Bit of a mixed metaphor there. Thaw out is appropriate as I feel like I’m frozen solid with emotions and anxiety, but when I’ve relaxed it feels just like a thaw.

Anyway after a weird start today is better. The road was blocked on the way to school/work so we had to turn back and go a different way so ended up late. It was an accident I think.

So mentally better but v tired and achey, and I seem to have something going on with my ear. Guess it’s the cold / flu thing that is going around.

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Urgh today is not going so well. Woke up tired and down. Didn’t want to go to work. Feel so trapped in this life of work, work, work. I wish I had a job I wanted to get up for. I wish I could do something that I love and earn money doing it. But there is nothing I can do well enough to earn enough money to look after my family. So I’m trapped. There are no other jobs round here. It’s not the worst job in the world. I used to enjoy it. But there’s so much management interference and stress that I wish I could leave. I think it’s the feeling of being trapped with no choice that gets to me. Maybe with a choice I would choose to stay, but I don’t have that choice.

I feel tense, anxious and shaky. I’m snappy and grumpy and negative. I don’t want to be here.

I didn’t realise it had been a whole 10 days since I wrote in here. I guess this is here when I need it, but if I don’t need it, that’s ok too. No pressure to write.

Well it’s been a really busy couple of weeks at work, quite stressful but exciting at the same time, with the culmination of a big project. Surprisingly there have been no major sleep problems, and no major palpitation episodes. Maybe there is something in this cutting out caffeine that the doctor recommended. Or maybe the mindfulness is helping. I’m not sure. I have had several days of living with that permanent anxious feeling through my whole body but no palpitations to speak of. Yesterday once the launch was done I felt awful – really exhausted, down and zoned out. I guess that is what happens when you are living on adrenaline for several days and then it stops.

I’ve gone back to one pillow for sleeping but I’m using a thicker one than I was before. I haven’t woke up in severe pain now for a while. I still have the neck pain along with the back/leg, but it’s more under control.

Mostly at the moment, I’m just tired out. I’ve had a few down days too which is probably related to being tired. Social anxiety is high too. I’ve missed lunch hours for several days because of what’s been going on at work and then when I was able to have lunch everywhere seemed to loud and too full of people so I ate lunch in my car, where I could just be quiet and calm. Seems silly but if it works, it works.

Sometimes I wish I fitted better into this world. Sometimes I’m happy to be me. Ups and downs.

Average kind of night. Up about 3 or 4 times and the 2 pillows thing didn’t feel as miraculous. But could have been worse. Woke up still feeling down but feel better after talking to my partner. I was being unfair because he’s not well either and he can’t help his sleep patterns being all out of whack. Life is hard sometimes but we get by. It’s only when I’m tired and in pain and need sleep that I get so down really.

Neck is pretty sore this morning, and the pain’s going down my arm again. Fingers feel funny. Not numb or tingly just odd. Back/leg-wise the pain is mainly in my hip/thigh/bum this morning.

Mindfulness after work today which I’m looking forward to.

I am tired and in pain. The day began well but I had to do extra driving today and it left me needing codeine this afternoon at work. When I got home I had to cook for the kids and myself because my partner was asleep and it just made me feel so fed up. What kind of life is this? Pain, work, sleep (or try to), and not much more. I don’t feel fulfilled or content. I feel like I need something more. I don’t know if I just get down because of the pain or if I have depression, or if its just because my life is a little bit crappy in general. I feel bad for feeling bad. At least I can walk, at least I have a job, at least I have a family. I should be grateful for what I have. I need to fight the negativity and not wallow in it. But it’s hard. Maybe I’ll feel better in the morning.

Hurrah! First time in a while I’ve woken up without a headache and with only a small amount of neck pain! And what miracle caused this? Well, it’s really simple – pillows. I could kick myself for not thinking of it sooner! I got a new mattress a while ago, which has improved the amount of back pain in the morning a fair bit. I have slept on my old mattress for far too many years, and I always used one pillow. Last night it suddenly struck me that since my new mattress is much firmer it might be the pillow aggravating my neck. I started to think of the angles and since my shoulder doesn’t sink into the mattress like it did, my neck must have been bending for my head to be on the single pillow. Well that’s my theory. Last night I used two pillows and although it felt really weird at first, I slept pretty well, only getting up once and when I woke I didn’t have a massive headache and sore neck/shoulder etc. It’s not perfect, still sore, but it’s so much better and easier to get on with life. Wish I’d thought of it sooner! Fingers crossed I’ve turned a corner here and life will get a little easier while I wait for the appointment with the consultant.

Oh and last night we decided to continue the mindfulness sessions after the 6 we already booked. Yay! 🙂

Urgh woke up with neck and head pain again, after waking several times in the night of course. Had to go get pain killers about 6am and then sit really still and breathe. Wasn’t sure if was going to be able to make to work. Dodgy tum as well. Managed to just about get the head under control and able to work. Feeling shaky and sore, and not quite with it.

Rang hospital for follow up appointment with orthapaedics after the MRI. Not until 8th November. Ages. Might need to talk to GP before then about my neck as it’s not giving me any peace.

My leg was bad last night and it was hard getting to sleep. Woke several times as usual. Had to get up a 6ish for painkillers for my neck/head. Got up for good at 8:30 feeling very nervous about the MRI. Not sure why I was so nervous as I’d had one before and it wasn’t that bad. Anyway by the time I got there I was shaking badly and they were asking if I was alright. Once we got started I was fine – used the mindfulness training to relax in the MRI machine and ended up feeling pretty chilled. When I got out I was a bit dazed, like I’d had a nap. I was in there for 1h15 for 2 scans – one on my SI joint and the other on my lower back. Maybe I’ll be back in a few months for my neck. Who knows? Couldn’t make the appointment at the next clinic as the people to do that with aren’t in on a Sunday so will have to ring tomorrow. Bit of a disadvantage of a Sunday appointment. But on the plus side there was no worrying about parking as there were loads of spaces and it was lovely and quiet.

Today the shoulder, neck and head pain are severe. Woke up like this. Would be so nice to actually wake up without being in pain, and refreshed from actually sleeping through the night. Seems to be something I just can’t have any more. 3 years of this now.

Had to take the full range of pills – ibuprofen, paracetomol and codeine to get some relief. I can still feel it but its bearable now.

Wish my MRI was on my whole spine now instead of focusing on my lower back again. I guess I will have to tell the orthapaedic doctor that I’m having a lot of problems here now. Hope he will take me seriously.

Sometimes I feel like all the doctors are thinking I’m just a hypochondriac. I seem to have so many issues, but I’m tired of going to the GP now. I’m tired of it all.

I stopped taking propranolol yesterday. I still get just as many palpitations when I’m on it. I’m going to run out soon and just don’t want to make another appointment. I hate when you talk to reception and they’re like ‘is it urgent?’ and I just can’t lie. No it’s not really urgent, I just need more pills. But trying to get a non-urgent appointment is not easy – every time I’ve tried they always say the appointments for that time aren’t open yet, when I try to book an appointment in a month.

Anyway. It’s the weekend so I’ll chill and hope the codeine hangover isn’t too bad. Nervous about the MRI tomorrow though.

Tingling hand / fingers (left), pain around elbow and lower arm (left), pain in shoulder, neck and face (left). Particularly bad in this area this morning

Pain in hip, big toe, shin (left). Sharp pain in big toe since I woke.

Took an ibuprofen first thing.

Didn’t take my propranolol this morning. Don’t think it makes much difference to the palpitations to be honest.

Very tired, feel a bit of a zombie today.

Woke with tummy pain.